6 Practical Ways to Ditch Peer Focused Kids and Teens and Bring the Focus Back to the Family

As a word of caution before we get started, by the time a family comes to me for help, their teen usually wants nothing to do with them. It's a lot easier to foster that child-parent relationship when your child is in elementary school and just beginning to explore independence than it is when you have a teenager that never wants to spend time at home. Today we’re going to talk about 6 practical way to foster the parent-child relationship and not fall into the trap of the peer centered teen.

If you’re new here, I’m Tonya Johnson and I work alongside parents and youth leaders who are fighting hard to build a strong foundation for the next generation. I went to a ministry college meaning while I was getting my degree in secondary education I had the privilege to “intern” if you will for the largest baptist youth group in the country. I probably learned more in the field than I did inside of the classroom, and now I work in various programs and mentorships for at risk youth. My motto is that the world is fighting for the hearts of our youth, so we need to be fighting harder, and my goal is to provide you with the tools to do just that.

Now, this session is not to hate on youth groups, clubs, sports, etc. I actually love youth groups specifically, and when done right, they do a lot of good for our kids. What I don’t like is when they take the place of mom and dad which is becoming more and more common in the American home. Again, this can be any type of “group” that consumes the focus of your child. It can be a sports group, also known as a sports team. It can be an academic club. It can even be just a group of their friends that they’ve become really close with. The point is, the teenage years are the easiest years to “lose” your child’s heart. Those are the years that more and more parents become hands off when they should be becoming more hands on.

Today I want to give you 6 very practical way to keep your child’s heart throughout their teen years. None of this takes the place of prayer. Staying in the Word and advocating to God on behalf of your child is the #1 thing that we as parents need to be doing, these are just some practical things that we can be incorporating in addition to prayer. Before I get into it, I want to recommend a book that explains this topic in great detail. The book is called “holding on to your kids” why parents matter more than peers by gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. Fantastic book on the subject of keeping our kids family focused instead of peer focused.

Ok, so here are 6 practical ways to ditch the peer-peer focus and bring the focus back to child-parent relationship.

This one is a give in, but sitting down and doing devotions with your kids when they’re little is easy and cute. When they get older, not so much. As they get older, again, it’s tempting to go into hands off mode, but trust me, that’s they worst thing you can do for your teens. I’ve linked another session I did on how to make devotions fun for all ages down in the show notes that talks about age appropriate devotions and how to foster the independent relationship with Jesus with your older kids while still keeping that connection with them.

Like attracts like. Become friends with families that also prioritize family. I’m not saying your kids can’t have friends. They absolutely should have friends, but it’s our job as parents to guide them to the right kind of friends. That’s probably going to take some work on our part. I’d rather put in the work and have my daughter surround herself with friends who push her closer to her family than neglect that parental duty and have her surround herself with friend who are going to pull her away from the family.

This is a huge one. If your kids are going to be there, you make it a point to be there. Youth group? Volunteer. Sports teams? Volunteer. Academic clubs? Volunteer. Homeschool Co-ops? Volunteer. Whatever their interests are, be present in them. You can’t be at every single everything for your kids, I get that, but make it a priority to be at most things. I also know that this is a super unpopular opinion, and I’m going to get some hate on it, but that’s ok. The more Satan can break up the family, the better chance he has of getting our kids.

Again, unpopular opinion, and that’s ok! I’m not saying they can’t ever be in a club or group that you’re not allowed to volunteer in, but it should be very limited. If you’ve got 2-3 kids, you and your husband are probably going to have to divide and conquer on this, but no kid should be spending 12+ hours away from home 5-6 days a week. Before you say that’s a stretch, check out the video for a real life story of a parent who came to me for help 3 years ago. Unfortunately, they chose not to make any changes, and now their child is 18 and wants very little to do with her parents. 

Limit the activities that don’t include you. That includes church activities. For a lot of homeschool families, youth group becomes the center of a child’s world just like school does for non homeschool families. Again, nothing wrong with socializing, but if you’re at a church that won’t let you be involved in the youth group activities and services, find a new church. God didn’t call you to hand them off to the church, He called you to walk with them in the church. You are their spiritual leader, the youth group is just an added tool God gave you as a help. They were never meant to be your replacement. If you’re listening to this and you are a jr high or sr high youth leader, head over to the shownotes and grab the session I did last week on how you can keep your parents engaged and active in your programs. As a sidetone: also limit activities that don’t include your kid. Again, nothing wrong with having something that’s just ours, but we shouldn’t be so involved in our own things that we need someone else to come in and fill that void in our kids’ lives either. There will come a season when we have all the time in the world to pursue our own interests and spend hours with our own friends, but the season we’re in now should prioritize our children.

How do we let our kids have a ton of friends while we get to have some much needed adult time while still keeping the parent-child relationship central focus. Open up our home and make it the “cool” place to be. You don’t need a lot of money for this either. Grab some board games, art supplies, slime making stuff, movies and snacks, whatever it is that your preteen and teens are into, and invite their friends (and bonus their friends moms) over for some fun. I’m personally in this season right now and I can tell you it’s chaotic, but it’s worth it. I feel like my house is never clean at this point with so many kids in and out all of the time, but I know that there will come a season when I long for the mess, so today I’m going to embrace it. 

This is one of the most important ones on this list. Make it a rule to not overreact or get mad, no matter what topic your child brings up for discussion. You want them to come to you with any and everything, no matter how awkward it may feel in the moment. It’s always better that they are comfortable enough to come to you instead of turning to their peers. I won’t say much more about this one other than practice now allowing your kids to have a voice and ask questions without reprimanding because you feel they’re not as respectful as you deserve for them to be. The more you shut them down while they’re young, the less they’ll come to you when they’re older.

1. Take inventory of your home, and be honest with yourself. Is your child parent-focused, or peer-focused? And yes, It’s possible to have both kinds of kids living under the same roof. 

2. Implement ONE of the above steps into your regular family routine. I say one because trying to implement everything at once is very overwhelming. 

3. Lastly, and this is a fun one, set up a family night this week and either play games, do an art project, or go out somewhere. No movies or loud music, do something where you can actually talk to one another. Don’t have any days free? Cancel something and replace it with family time. Work up to doing this once a week.

This session was one that’s not as fun to film as some of my others, it’s a slightly heavier topic, but it’s a necessary one. This is Tonya Johnson signing off from helping hearts homeschool where I help you fight the world for the heart of your kids, and I’ll see y’all next week.